Divya has a background in finance and is an avid traveler as well as a professional Odissi dancer. She has lived and traveled across many countries and enjoys writing about her experiences.

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Divya Chowdhary

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color:#ee543e">DIVYA CHOWDHARY</span> tells us how her young niece
    helped her understand the difference between being nice and being kind. That distinction has been helpful in her
    own application of kindness.</strong>
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<p>One of the first things my niece learned to say was, “Be nice.” Ironically, she never said it nicely. It would come
  as a strict reprimand to all of us. My sister-in-law originally taught her these words because she didn’t want her
  saying “Stop” to everything. So, when my niece felt that others were not being nice, she would yell, “Be nice!”</p>



<p>There were countless occasions when she would say this to me, even though I knew I was doing good by her. For
  example, when I would ask her to put away her toys, or tell her not to throw things, and she wasn’t in the mood to
  hear these requests, I was told to be nice. When my nephew threw food across the room, and I would scold him, she
  would be his shining knight in armor and reprimand me with, “Be nice.” It was hilarious at times. I knew I was
  teaching my niece and nephew things that were important and that would benefit them in the long run. It may not have
  been the “nice” thing to hear, but it was good for them. In fact, I was showing them kindness.</p>



<p>Although this story with my niece is a very light-hearted example of nice versus kind, it can be extrapolated into so
  many different aspects of our lives. We have been told growing up to be nice to others, but we don’t hear often
  enough that we can be kind to others. And if we do, we confuse nice with kind, even though there is a distinct
  difference that can impact relationships very differently.</p>



<p>I believe niceness is what we show others when we don’t stand to lose anything in the process, while kindness is what
  we show when we are ready to sacrifice something (time, energy, even another person’s feelings towards us). The
  major distinction is: Are we thinking about what is best for ourselves, or are we thinking about what is best for
  the other person?</p>



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<h4 class="has-text-align-center"><span style="color:#ee543e">I believe niceness is what <br>we
    show others when we don’t <br>stand to lose anything in the process, <br>while kindness is what we show <br>when
    we are ready to sacrifice something <br>(time, energy, even another person’s feelings towards us).</span></h4>



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<p>Being nice to others is easy. We can easily hold the door open in a chivalrous manner, not steal from our neighbors,
  and donate unneeded items to the local charity. We are taught to do those things, yet in none of them do we
  sacrifice our comfort or personal items. And, we walk away looking great in the eyes of others! Kindness, on the
  other hand, is a teacher staying an extra hour after school to tutor her students for free, giving helpful
  constructive criticism to someone who could benefit from the feedback, and offering your last sandwich to your
  friend who forgot his food at home when you’re still hungry. In each of those examples, kindness shines through the
  sacrifice of time, personal feelings, and comfort.</p>



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<figure><img decoding="async" width="700" height="471" alt="" class="lazyload has-img-center"
    src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/nice_kind2_700x471_9cebe45da4.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T12:56:52.359Z">
</figure>




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<h4 class="has-text-align-center"><span style="color:#ee543e">Kindness is honest, selfless,
    <br>and loving. It is fundamental <br>to building trust, <br>which is a building block for a <br>fulfilling
    friendship.</span></h4>



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<p>Another way to look at it is in the types of compliments we pay to others. The first is a “nice” compliment – we
  couldn’t care less what the other person really feels, but we feel <em>obliged </em>to be pleasant. The second is a
  “kind” compliment – we care deeply how the other person will feel, so we feel our hearts <em>signal</em> to us to be
  kind.</p>



<p>At the core, kindness asks us to listen to our hearts, while niceness is a trained mindset. Both are important and
  have their place, and true friendships are built on both, but kindness leads in first place. Kindness is honest,
  selfless, and loving. It is fundamental to building trust, which is a building block for a fulfilling friendship.
</p>



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<h4 class="has-text-align-center"><span class="has-black-color">Illustrations by MONIKA JURCZYK</span>
</h4>



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The difference between nice and kind

<h4>
  <span class="has-luminous-vivid-orange-color">DIVYA CHOWDHARY</span> manages to integrate a
  cultural divide in rural Texas, and learn more about herself in the process. She especially shares some useful tips
  for navigating multicultural conversations@work.
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<p>I grew up in a small town in Texas.In fact, it was so small back then that there was nothing but open fields for two
  hours in every direction of the town. The Indian population was negligible, so I pretty much had two choices when I
  moved there: either relate to my Indian background and stand out at school, or learn the ways of my American
  counterparts and blend right into the preteen society.&nbsp;</p>



<p>Naturally, I tried very hard to become completely American, but unknowingly I always attached myself to my Indian
  identity a tad more. It meant I was taught not to question the choices of my parents and elders, and obedience was
  seen as a sign of respect. Although I wasn’t good at this at home (being the more rebellious child), I unconsciously
  gravitated towards this etiquette whenever I was at school, in social gatherings, and eventually at my workplace
  after I graduated college.</p>



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<div class="block-image">
  <figure><img decoding="async" width="700" alt="" class="lazyload has-img-center"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/but_why1_700x467_035ac16343.jpg">
  </figure>
</div>



<p class="has-text-align-center"><a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"
    href="https://www.rawpixel.com/image/3924459">Image</a> by <a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"
    href="https://www.rawpixel.com/">rawpixel.com</a></p>



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<p>While I may have asked my parents a dozen “why’s” each day, at work I was quiet. I sought to finish the tasks at
  hand, not ask questions, and not question the decisions of my managers. If they wanted a PowerPoint in a certain
  format, maybe that meant they knew best! Who was I to suggest an alternative? I rarely offered my opinions on
  project workstreams. After all, I was new and wanted to be respectful of my manager.</p>



<p>Through several years of constructive feedback, evaluations, and encouragement from various managers, I managed to
  work through this shell. Some folks have suggested that this was a personality change and not the impact of cultural
  differences. I believe otherwise. At home and with friends I was extroverted, opinionated, and energetic. I now know
  that I always wanted to be that same person at work, but my sense of etiquette usually stopped me. Now I know that I
  can respect others while still speaking up for my opinions, thoughts, and ideas.</p>



<p>I did not fully realize how much I had changed until recently. A mid-forties Asian counterpart responded to my ideas
  on a conference call by saying, “You don’t know anything. You are new. Let me tell you how it is done, okay?” At
  first I was shocked into silence. Did he just say that I knew nothing?! Maybe I shouldn’t have spoken up. I was
  upset for a while, then I slowly pieced it together. First, the language barrier was at play. Maybe he didn’t mean
  it so harshly. Second, he could have felt undermined – after all, I was new and he had been around for twenty years.
  Most importantly, however, I acknowledged the cultural aspect. He came from a culture where not questioning and only
  listening is a sign of respect toward those more experienced. He could be unconsciously falling back into that
  cultural pattern, despite efforts to remain more aligned with the American workplace.</p>



<p>This helped me not to judge him. The next time I spoke up, I framed it in a way that showed I valued his input and
  experience. It made a huge difference.</p>



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<div class="block-image">
  <figure><img decoding="async" width="700" alt="" class="lazyload has-img-center"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/but_why2_700x467_1dae01ea0b.jpg">
  </figure>
</div>



<p class="has-text-align-center"><a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"
    href="https://www.rawpixel.com/image/3924469">Image</a> by <a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener"
    href="https://www.rawpixel.com/">rawpixel.com</a></p>



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<p>Changing childhood cultural habits can take decades. The most difficult ones are those where we change for specific
  situations, like at work, but are expected to remain unchanged at home. Undoubtedly, it takes versatility and
  practice. Knowing how confusing it can be, in future when I am faced with such a conflict, I will give others the
  benefit of the doubt!</p>



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