Karisham is a passionate and detail-oriented 21-year-old design student from South Africa. She is currently perfecting her craft and preparing to start a business. She is also an environmental activist, who is raising money with her brother to create a Heartfulness Forest in South Africa.

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Karisham-Kara.jpg

Karisham Kara

<h4>
  <strong>A common piece of advice is, “Don’t let your happiness depend on
    others.”
    <span style="color: #9f3d76">KARISHAM KARA</span>, a college student in South Africa,
    recognizes that as much as we
    strive to be independent we are inevitably interconnected and need one
    another to thrive and survive.
  </strong>
</h4>

<h4>
  <strong>She offers 8 tips to be happy while balancing independence and
    interdependence.</strong>
</h4>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<p>
  I always thought I’d feel more settled in myself and less reliant on
  others as I grew up. In the last few years, however, I have realized how
  interconnected the world is. Nature has so intricately organized herself
  into a system where everything relies on everything else to grow. No
  plant grows in a vacuum without external aid. The earthworms are needed
  to break down matter and create nutrient-dense soil, and the bees are
  needed to pollinate flowers to create seeds. In the same way, we rely on
  businesses to employ us or on customers to sustain our businesses.
  Nothing escapes the webbed arrangement of nature.
</p>

<p>
  So, when I hear the advice “Never let your happiness depend on others,”
  or “Happiness should come from within,” or “Don’t expect anything from
  anyone,” I feel baffled, because the actions of others <em>do</em> make
  us unhappy sometimes, and they <em>do</em> affect our quality of life.
  No matter how hard we try to be self-reliant, at the end of the day we
  live in a community, and we have to lean on others at times. It feels
  unjust to pin the reason for our unhappiness on ourselves when we are
  not the reason for it, and when we are trying our best to take
  everything positively and grow. Often we feel stuck because of something
  that someone else said or did to us.
</p>

<p>
  So, I’ve been pondering how to create our own happiness in an
  interconnected world. I’m nowhere near understanding all the answers,
  but my dad likes to say that nobody has the whole puzzle, we just have
  the pieces.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<p><strong>Here are my 8 tips to being happy:</strong></p>

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #673092">1. Judge the level of control you have over a
      situation</span></strong>
</h4>

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="8tips_happiness2" width="153" height="153"
      class="lazyload img-float-left has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness2_250x250_a20bafd7f3.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:30:33.971Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<p>
  Let’s take a scenario: You and your co-workers like to celebrate
  together after a project ends. While you enjoy the celebrations, you are
  frustrated because you are doing all the work to plan these
  celebrations. Everyone is having fun, but no one recognizes your efforts
  after finishing a tiring project, which leaves you feeling drained and
  resentful.
</p>

<p>
  First, analyze the problem. How many people does it affect, and how much
  influence and control do you have? In this case, you have control over
  being able to express your frustrations and asking for help. What stops
  you? Often it is fear.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<h4>
  <span style="color: #104879"><strong>2. Happiness comes from within when you eliminate
      fear</strong></span>
</h4>

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="" width="165" class="lazyload img-float-right has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness3_250x250_b9eb8b96ac.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:34:19.943Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<p>
  There are endless reasons you may not say what you are feeling, but the
  root cause is almost always fear. &nbsp;
</p>

<p>
  Step one is to honor and accept your feelings. Be aware of what you’re
  going through, and allow yourself to feel it without guilt. Realize that
  you have the right to be responsible for your actions, make mistakes, be
  yourself, be treated with respect, say no, and express your feelings.
  Also, remember that everyone else has these rights, too.
</p>

<p>
  Step two is to equip yourself with the skills to communicate your
  thoughts and feelings effectively, so that problems can be solved
  creatively and collaboratively.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #ec008c">3. Understand that event + reaction =
      outcome</span></strong>
</h4>

<p>
  Any outcome is reliant upon your reaction or response. To reach the
  desired outcome, your reactions will ideally come from listening to the
  heart. When you learn how to do this, you will not react, and you will
  know how to stand up for yourself.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #619840">4. Communicating effectively: mindset
      shift</span></strong>
</h4>

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="8tips_happiness4" width="211" height="211"
      class="lazyload img-float-left has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness4_250x250_8c15c3c9df.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:35:59.630Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<p>
  In this scenario, you may have kept your feelings to yourself. Then
  after resentment has built up, you may have exploded and said something
  like, “I spend so much time and effort planning these trips, and you all
  enjoy them without giving a second thought to whether you can do the
  same for me!”
</p>

<p>
  The first step is to create a mindset shift. Rather than thinking no one
  cares about you, and assigning blame and guilt, try to communicate your
  needs to your friends. Then you will be solving the problem
  <em>with your friends</em>. Note the distinction: you’re not fighting
  <em>against</em> your friends, but <em>with</em> them against the
  problem. This important distinction helps you connect with your friends,
  so they will be less defensive and more collaborative.
</p>

<p>
  We’ve all been there. When we <em>do</em> say things we’ve been itching
  to say, as resentment builds up, it doesn’t offer any relief. Instead,
  we feel more guilty – it leaves a bad feeling in the air. If you’ve made
  it to this point, you’ve likely spent so much time in resentment that
  you’ve lost sight of why it all started. All your attention has gone
  into convincing yourself why the other is a horrible person. So, this
  next step may require a bit of back-tracking.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="8tips-happiness5-250x250" width="163" height="163"
      class="lazyload img-float-right has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness5_250x250_8ebd60a0b2.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:37:46.219Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #ee3928">5. Communicating effectively: clearly identifying the
      need</span></strong>
</h4>

<p>
  It’s important to clarify your initial needs. In this scenario, perhaps
  what you really felt was that everyone was having fun, and you didn’t
  have the freedom to relax with the responsibility of preparing and
  hosting, which also felt lonely at times.
</p>

<p>
  Once this need has been identified, it can be clearly communicated to
  your friends. Note how no blame is assigned, as this is all about
  conveying your feelings. It gives an opportunity for your friends to
  step up and collaborate on a solution.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #cc9e2d">6. Communicating effectively: vehicle versus
      value</span></strong>
</h4>

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="8tips-happiness6-250x250" width="161" height="161"
      class="lazyload img-float-left has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness6_250x250_a889939691.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:39:33.100Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<p>
  Often, we are focused on <em>how</em> we’d like the problem to be
  solved, and we lose sight of identifying the problem. It might feel
  counter-intuitive, but if you keep sight of your values, and the needs
  to be met, you will be happier and more effective in solving the
  problem. You will be focused on the value, not the vehicle.
</p>

<p>
  In this scenario, rather than insisting that everyone acknowledges and
  praises you for the planning, and is considerate enough to help with the
  following events (this is a vehicle), stay focused on your need to be
  part of the fun rather than overwhelmed by the responsibility (this is a
  value).
</p>

<p>
  When speaking to your friends, you could say, “When I am consistently
  left to plan our celebratory outings, I start to feel like I am
  responsible for everyone’s enjoyment. What I’d like is to have an equal
  chance to relax and unwind, and to feel like even the planning of these
  events is a fun, bonding experience.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #104879">7. Find the solution</span></strong>
</h4>

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="8tips-happiness7-250x250" width="175" height="175"
      class="lazyload img-float-right has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness7_250x250_a72f0398de.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:40:50.712Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<p>
  Once you understand your feelings and needs, and can successfully convey
  them, it will be easier to find a solution that works well for everyone,
  especially the people most in need.
</p>

<p>
  A straightforward solution would be that everyone takes a turn to plan a
  celebration, but there are many other creative ways to stop you feeling
  overwhelmed with responsibility. Sometimes the smallest things can
  change the dynamic of the group.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<div class="block-image">
  <figure>
    <img decoding="async" alt="8tips-happiness8-250x250" width="160" height="160"
      class="lazyload img-float-left has-img-center-in-mobile"
      src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/8tips_happiness8_250x250_9cd092574c.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T10:42:53.202Z" />
  </figure>
</div>

<h4>
  <strong><span style="color: #00a28a">8. Expectation versus invitation</span></strong>
</h4>

<p>
  This is where the distinction between expectation and invitation comes.
  Expecting your friends to take the initiative to help without clearly
  communicating your needs, and then getting progressively resentful and
  angry, means that no one gets their needs met.
</p>

<p>
  In contrast, the method I have outlined is active and allows all of you
  to understand yourselves, communicate, then collaboratively work on
  solutions. It requires you all to try to find solutions that work best
  for everyone.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />

<h4 class="has-text-align-center">
  <span style="color: #9f3d76">Sometimes the smallest things can change <br />the dynamic of
    the
    group.</span>
</h4>

<hr />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<p>
  While others influence our lives, we always have some level of control.
  We can stand up for ourselves and make ourselves happy, while trying our
  best to do so in a way that doesn’t aggravate others. While there is no
  point expecting others to change, we can actively and clearly voice our
  needs as an invitation for collaborative problem solving. In doing so,
  we give space for everyone to show up as they are, which will only
  strengthen our state of interconnectedness.
</p>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />

<h4 class="has-text-align-center">Illustrations by JASMEE MUDGAL</h4>

<hr />

Happiness in an interconnected world


                                <hr class="vertical-space1">
<h3 style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #d41c5f;">GENERATION NOW</span></h3>
<p style="text-align: left;"></p><hr class="vertical-space1"><p></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">I was fourteen when my mother left me at boarding school in India. I’m from South Africa and I was so far away from home. I made friends, and school was fun, but one of the things I missed most about home was my mom’s cooking. Not because hostel food was bad (I actually enjoyed it), but because there is something magical and comforting about your mom’s food that you tend to miss when you’re so far from home. I don’t know if I expressed this to my friends, but one day a friend of mine offered me her lunch that her mom had made for her.</p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">“What are you going to eat then?” I asked.<br>
She just smiled, shrugged and said, “Don’t worry.”</p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">I spent two years with this friend at school, and almost every day she would hand me her lunchbox, and go to the school dining hall for her own lunch (which, might I add, was a difficult task because she wasn’t really allowed to be eating there). She didn’t have to give me her lunch, especially because I had nothing to offer her in return. Her mom’s food was too divine to be giving up, but she always did.</p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">This memory got me thinking about the role that food, generosity, and bonding all have in our lives. Do we feel like offering food to someone we don’t like? No, right? How about when we have a crush on someone? We usually ask them out to come and eat with us. In times of crisis, the constant that most of us have in our lives is having dinner with the family, be it at the same table or over video call. When we love someone, we always ask, “Have you eaten?” So, in my mind, the ultimate form of generosity is sharing food, because food is what we all bond over.</p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">So how can we cultivate a generous heart? Start by bonding with someone you don’t like over food. Open your heart and share what you have. You’ll see the bond form so fast and your own heart will grow. I speak from experience, because when I think back to this time in school, the strongest bonds I created were with those people with whom I shared food. Sharing food is an act of the heart, especially when you’re in a hostel and you have the urge to save all the yummy things to snack on at night when everyone is sleeping! But in our hostel, that’s not how it worked. We all opened up and generously shared what we had. In the process, we opened our hearts more and became generous in other ways in our relationships. It was a gateway to accepting people the way they are: listening to their stories, viewpoints, and hardships; laughing and crying with them; and truly understanding them, their needs, wants and dreams.</p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">If this were the mentality in our everyday world, imagine how much closer we’d all be! In today’s world there is such a lack of vulnerability and openness in our relationships. We don’t communicate properly and enough. Generosity of the heart is that key to better connections, and sharing food is one key to becoming more generous.</p>
<hr class="vertical-space1">
<p style="text-align: center;">
</p><hr>
<h4 style="text-align: center;">Article by KARISHAM KARA</h4>
<p style="text-align: center;">
</p><hr>