Holding close without holding on

NEGIN KHORASANI shares her thoughts on loving in relationships, and the importance of letting go of expectations, attachments, and possessiveness; holding close without holding on.

Have you ever noticed how even our most loving relationships can feel overwhelming? While they bring deep nourishment, we often find ourselves needing space and time to recover from their intensity. No matter how much we connect with those we cherish—our parents, siblings, close friends—it can sometimes feel as though their expectations never end. The more we give, the more is expected.

I’ve come to understand that this is because, with every sweet connection, we fuel the fire of craving more. Instead of love flowing freely, it can turn into attachment—a bond that drains rather than uplifts.

The hidden weight of attachment

Attachment is like an invisible cord that ties us to others, keeping them in our mental space whether they are near or far. If a loved one is struggling, we carry their pain as our own. If they are sick, we feel their sickness in our hearts. Even if our own life is in balance, we cannot fully experience peace because their troubles weigh on us.

We often hear mothers say, “I worry about my child because I love them.” But is this love, or is it attachment? True love does not burden—it liberates.

Love versus attachment: Understanding the difference

Love is made of care and understanding. When we truly love someone, caring for them feels natural and effortless. If they need food, we offer it. If they need support, we give it, without counting the cost. Love asks for nothing in return. It is selfless, flowing like a river, nourishing without conditions.

Understanding is another key component of love. A parent doesn’t take a child’s mistakes personally because they see the child is still growing. An elderly mother, in her wisdom, is happy when her children are busy building their lives, even if they cannot visit as often as she wishes. This is true love—giving, forgiving, and allowing.

The trap of attachment

Attachment, on the other hand, is conditional. We give, but we expect something in return. We help, but we want appreciation. We love, but we seek validation. This expectation inevitably leads to disappointment because it ties our happiness to someone else’s actions—something beyond our control.

Even when we do great favors for others, if they come with unspoken expectations, they can feel like invisible shackles. Love is freedom. Attachment is possession.

The secret to boundless love

When we love without attachment, we give wholeheartedly in the moment—whether it’s our time, care, or effort—and then we let go. We do what needs to be done, fully present and engaged, but once the moment has passed, we free our minds and hearts. We don’t carry the emotional residue of our actions, nor do we dwell on whether our love was acknowledged or reciprocated.

This openness allows us to remain attuned to the next person or situation that may need our care. When our mental space is clear, we can sense the world's needs and respond with love again and again. This is why one saint can carry the burden of an entire nation—because they don’t hold on. They give, they move on, and they remain available. Their love is infinite because it is not weighed down by attachment.

Loving few versus loving all

When we love with attachment, we can only love a few—our energy is limited because we are entangled in expectations, emotional burdens, and the need for reciprocation. But when we love without attachment, we become free to love all.

A person who practices loving detachment does not run out of love because they do not cling to any particular bond. Their love flows limitlessly, extending to family, friends, strangers, and even those who may never return their affection. They can care for many without exhaustion, simply because they are not trying to hold love, only to be love.

To love fully and freely, we must practice loving detachment—caring deeply while allowing others the space to be themselves. It means supporting without controlling, giving without expecting, and holding close without holding on.

When we detach with love, we free not only ourselves but also those we care for. And in that freedom, love flourishes—not just for a few, but for all.

When we detach with love, we free not only ourselves
but also those we care for. And in that freedom, love
flourishes—not just for a few, but for all.