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Marshall B. Rosenberg

Habitual and natural

Meeting needs

The most precious gift

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Martha Graham

There is only one of you

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Martin Buber

Life Is Meeting

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Martin Luther King Jr.

Infinite hope

Everyone can serve

The arc of the moral universe

Mary is recognized internationally as an award-winning social entrepreneur, educator, author, child advocate and parenting expert, whose programs are informed by empathy. In 1996 she created the Roots of Empathy program, which is now offered in many countries, and in 2005 she created the Seeds of Empathy program for 3- to 5-year-olds in childcare. She is also the founder of Canada’s first and largest school-based Parenting and Family Literacy Centers. Mary speaks and consults to governments, educational organizations, and public institutions, including the World Health Organization, the Skoll World Forum, and the United Nations.

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Mary Gordon

Roots of empathy - part 2

<h4>MARY GORDON was interviewed by JUDITH NELSON at the Spirit of Humanity Forum in Iceland in 2019. In part 1 she shares her worldview on the importance of empathy in human relationships and how it forms the foundation for the program she runs in schools on developing empathy in schoolchildren, called Roots of Empathy.</h4>&nbsp;<hr>&nbsp;Q: Thanks for joining me Mary. Can I ask you first about empathy, as your work is especially with empathy? Can you tell me a bit more about your work?MG: Well, my understanding of empathy is the ability to feel with the other person, not just to understand how they feel, but also to have the capacity to feel with them. And I think that empathy is the number one attribute of being human, and we have too little of it in the world, and it’s a shrinking commodity. But I also focus on empathy because when you have cruelty, when you have racism, when you have violence, when you have genocides, when you have any of the big horrific things in the world, the common ingredient is the absence of empathy.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">Empathy develops&nbsp;in the first year of life, in the loving relationship between parents and babies.</h5><hr>My work is informed by that conclusion, which I came to a long time ago, and also the conclusion that empathy develops in the first year of life, in the loving relationship between parents and babies. And so, our work is about increasing empathy in childhood. And we do that by bringing the relationship between parents and babies, during the first year of the child’s life, into the classroom.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Roots_of_empathy2_7fe9cc1956.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T14:39:30.402Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-1">The Roots of Empathy program has the schoolchildren sit around a green blanket, with the mother and baby and an instructor. There is a curriculum, which the children don’t see, but which informs what goes on. And the children are coached to observe the baby’s intentions, and the baby’s feelings. We’re talking about a two-to-four-month-old baby who can’t walk, can’t talk, but can communicate hugely, bringing parents to tears, and bringing them to their knees. They can really communicate! So, as the children come to understand how the baby feels, they learn the vocabulary of their own emotions. And it’s the job of the Roots of Empathy instructor to ask the children, “When was a time you felt like the baby?”The program has twenty-seven classes over the school year.The parent and baby come once a month. There is a week beforehand to prepare, and then there is a week of reflection afterwards. There are different curricula for different ages of children. It is quite remarkable how the children increase their empathy. We have a lot of research that shows when empathy goes up aggression goes down, and prosocial behavior goes up. We want children to be kind, to be considerate, to be collaborative, to be caring, and that’s what the Roots of Empathy children are.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">We want children to be kind, to be considerate,&nbsp;to be collaborative, to be caring, and that’s what the Roots of Empathy children are.</h5><hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Roots_of_empathy3_e6905abf31.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T14:40:19.977Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-1">Q: You’re here at the Forum, and the topic this time round is really about harmony. Is there a relationship between empathy and harmony?MG: Well, harmony is such a beautiful word. Harmony has a musical reference, but really, it’s a symbiotic word. The whole universe is in harmony and it’s in equilibrium. When a newborn baby is born, she or he is discombobulated, and has to seek through the parent (through the mother usually) a way to integrate all of their feelings, and to become in harmony, and to become attuned to the parent. And in the work of Roots of Empathy, the symbiotic relationship with the parent is called an attunement – the attachment and attunement of the parent to the baby. Here we’re talking about harmony – one to the other, and to the universe, and to concepts of peace. So, I really like the term “harmony.”When you reflect and listen to birdsong, and listen to the rustle of leaves, or the waves in the ocean, you can very easily adjust your heartbeat and adjust your whole sensibility to be in harmony with nature. We do that more readily than being in harmony with the world.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">If you don’t love yourself, and if you don’t have empathy for yourself, you don’t have the ability to love others or to have empathy for others.</h5><hr>Q: If you were to ask yourself what children need in today’s world to help them develop the values that are embodied by the Forum, what would you say?MG: I think the values embodied by the Forum are basic human values: The recognition and inalienable rights of people, human dignity, participation. People who come here typically share a purpose. They might have different avenues, but there is a common denominator of peaceful coexistence on many levels, and, in the Roots of Empathy work, we’re really helping children find a sense of balance in their lives. Number one is that they respect and love themselves, have self-empathy. Because, if you don’t love yourself, and if you don’t have empathy for yourself, you don’t have the ability to love others or to have empathy for others. The problem with the absence of empathy in the world, the decline of empathy, as it can be a generational thing, is that if a little baby is not parented empathically, and if the parent is unable to understand and attune to the baby’s needs, the child doesn’t develop the capacity to attune to the needs of others, to have empathy.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">It’s almost as if empathy&nbsp;is the “cure all,” the secret sauce of life.</h5><hr><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Roots_of_empathy4_d66a44e4da.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T14:41:09.241Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-1">So, really, Roots of Empathy is about breaking cycles of violence and inadequate parenting. And I think the basic human trait that we need in the world is empathy. If you have that, honesty emerges out of it, respect emerges out of it. When we say to the little children in the Roots of Empathy classroom, “So, when baby Henri grows up and comes to school, what would you think if people say ‘You can’t play’?” the children are horrified that anyone would be mean to their little baby. They all fall in love with the baby, and they see the vulnerability and humanity in the baby. During that year, they come to find their own vulnerability and their own humanity, and also their strength. And then they see the strength in humanity and in others.It’s almost as if empathy is the “cure all,” the secret sauce of life. If we can just empathize, it’s a little bit like the golden rule: If you understand how someone is going to feel, why would you hurt them, why would you exclude them, why would you say you’re somehow less human than I am? It removes the possibility of dehumanizing one another and hiving people off and saying “Your difference makes you unacceptable.” We celebrate difference in Roots of Empathy, and it’s not visual, it’s not the typical differences of culture and language, of size, or whatever.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Roots_of_empathy5_740fc84c0d.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T14:41:48.248Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-1"><hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">When we think about the traits and qualities we need in growing up, I think we really need a lot of selflove, giving us the capacity to love others.</h5><hr>We talk about the difference in our innate temperament; that a baby comes to the world with a predisposition to see that world in many ways. Some babies are very intense and emotionally reactive. It’s very hard to parent a baby who’s very intense. In the classroom, it’s very hard to teach a child who’s very intense, because they are super reactive. They have temper tantrums; when they are disappointed they have a big reaction. But, if the little baby has a big reaction, nobody says, “You’re a bad baby.” Nobody says, “Go to your room.” Everyone helps the baby learn to deal with the big feelings, and what that does is soften everybody to realize, “Wow, I am like the little baby, too. It’s not a moral flaw if I’m very emotionally reactive. It’s who I am.” And the job of teachers and parents and mentors is to help children recognize who they are, and help them to live in the world that is. It is not to squash them, but to help them understand their reactions. So, when we think about the traits and qualities we need in growing up, I think we really need a lot of self-love, giving us the capacity to love others.<h5><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Roots_of_empathy6_178211c432.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-07T14:42:34.946Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-1"></h5>to be continued<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Interviewed by JUDITH NELSON</h4><hr>

Roots of empathy - part 1

<hr class="vertical-space1" />
<h4>
 MARY GORDON was interviewed by
 JUDITH NELSON at the Spirit of Humanity Forum in Iceland in 2019. In this excerpt, she
 shares her worldview on the importance of empathy in human relationships and
 how it forms the foundation for the program she runs in schools on developing
 empathy in schoolchildren, called Roots of Empathy.
</h4>
<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 Q: Thanks for joining me, Mary. Can I ask you about empathy, as your work
 is especially with empathy?
 


 MG: Well, my understanding of empathy is
 the ability to feel with the other person, not just to understand how they
 feel, but also to have the capacity to feel with them. And I think that
 empathy is the number one attribute of being human, and we have too little of
 it in the world, and it’s a shrinking commodity. But I also focus on empathy
 because when you have cruelty, when you have racism, when you have violence,
 when you have genocides, when you have any of the big horrific things in the
 world, the common ingredient is the absence of empathy.


 My work is informed by that conclusion, which I came to a long time ago, and
 also the conclusion that empathy develops in the first year of life, in the
 loving relationship between parents and babies. And so, our work is about
 increasing empathy in childhood. And we do that by bringing the relationship
 between parents and babies, during the first year of the child’s life, into
 the classroom. The Roots of Empathy program has the schoolchildren
 sit around a green blanket, with the mother and baby and an instructor. There
 is a curriculum, which the children don’t see, but which informs what goes on.
 And the children are coached to observe the baby’s intentions, and the baby’s
 feelings. We’re talking about a two-to-four-month-old baby who can’t walk,
 can’t talk, but can communicate hugely, bringing parents to tears,
 and bringing them to their knees. They can really communicate! So, as the
 children come to understand how the baby feels, they learn the vocabulary of
 their own emotions. And it’s the job of the
 Roots of Empathy instructor to ask the children, “When was a time you
 felt like the baby?”

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <img alt="roots-of-empathy2-mary-gordan2" class="w-100 lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/roots_of_empathy2_mary_gordan2_0d092095a6.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T13:43:31.280Z" />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />
<h5 style="text-align: center">
 We want children to be kind, to be considerate,
 to be collaborative, 
 to be caring, and that’s what 
 the Roots of Empathy children are.
</h5>

<hr />
<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 … There are different curricula for different ages of children. It is quite
 remarkable how the children increase their empathy. We have a lot of research
 that shows when empathy goes up aggression goes down, and prosocial behavior
 goes up. We want children to be kind, to be considerate, to be collaborative,
 to be caring, and that’s what the Roots of Empathy children are.


 Q: Is there a relationship between empathy and harmony?


 MG: Well, harmony is such a beautiful
 word. Harmony has a musical reference, but really it’s a symbiotic word. The
 whole universe is in harmony and it’s in equilibrium. When a newborn baby is
 born, she or he is discombobulated, and has to seek through the parent
 (through the mother usually) a way to integrate all of their feelings, and to
 become attuned to the parent. And in the work of Roots of Empathy, the
 symbiotic relationship with the parent is called an attunement – the
 attachment and attunement of the parent to the baby. Here we’re talking about
 harmony – one to the other, and to the universe, and to concepts of peace. So,
 I really like the term “harmony.”


 When you reflect and listen to birdsong, and listen to the rustle of leaves,
 or the waves in the ocean, you can very easily adjust your heartbeat and
 adjust your whole sensibility to be in harmony with nature. We do that more
 readily than being in harmony with the world.

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <img alt="roots-of-empathy3" class="has-img-center lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/roots_of_empathy3_7a181d1514.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T13:43:30.942Z" />

&nbsp;
<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />
<h4 style="text-align: center">
 In the work of Roots of Empathy, 
 the symbiotic relationship 
 with the parent is called an attunement – 
 the attachment and attunement 
 of the parent to the baby. 
 Here we’re talking about harmony – 
 one to the other, and to the universe, 
 and to concepts of peace
</h4>

<hr />
<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 Q: If you were to ask yourself what children need in today’s world to help
 them develop values, what would you say?


 MG: I think they are basic human values:
 The recognition and inalienable rights of people, human dignity,
 participation. People who come here typically share a purpose.


 They might have different avenues, but there is a common denominator of
 peaceful coexistence on many levels, and, in the Roots of Empathy work, we’re
 really helping children find a sense of balance in their lives. Number one is
 that they respect and love themselves, have self-empathy. Because, if you
 don’t love yourself, and if you don’t have empathy for yourself, you don’t
 have the ability to love others or to have empathy for others. The problem
 with the absence of empathy in the world, the decline of empathy, which can be
 a generational thing, is that if a little baby is not parented empathically,
 and if the parent is unable to understand and attune to the baby’s needs, the
 child doesn’t develop the capacity to attune to the needs of others, to have
 empathy.

<hr class="vertical-space1" />
<img alt="roots-of-empathy4" class="w-100 lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/roots_of_empathy4_a466714801.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T13:43:31.290Z" />
&nbsp;
<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 … And I think the basic human trait that we need in the world is empathy. If
 you have that, honesty emerges out of it, respect emerges out of it. When we
 say to the little children in the Roots of Empathy classroom, “So, when baby
 Henri grows up and comes to school, what would you think if people say ‘You
 can’t play’?” the children in class are horrified that anyone would be mean to
 their little baby. They all fall in love with the baby, and they see the
 vulnerability and humanity in the baby. During that year, they come to find
 their own vulnerability and their own humanity, and also their strength. And
 then they see the strength in humanity and in others.


 It’s almost as if empathy is the “cure all,” the secret sauce of life. If we
 can just empathize, it’s a little bit like the Golden Rule: If you understand
 how someone is going to feel, why would you hurt them, why would you exclude
 them, why would you say you’re somehow less human than I am? It removes the
 possibility of dehumanizing one another and hiving people off and saying,
 “Your difference makes you unacceptable.” We celebrate difference in
 Roots of Empathy, and it’s not visual, it’s not the typical
 differences of culture and language, of size, or whatever.

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 <img alt="roots-of-empathy5" class="w-100 lazyload"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/roots_of_empathy5_3c54506c25.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-11T13:43:31.186Z" />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

 We talk about the difference in our innate temperament; that a baby comes to
 the world with a predisposition to see that world in many ways. Some babies
 are very intense and emotionally reactive. It’s very hard to parent a baby
 who’s very intense. In the classroom, it’s very hard to teach a child who’s
 very intense, because they are super reactive. They have temper tantrums; when
 they are disappointed they have a big reaction. But, if the little baby has a
 big reaction, nobody says, “You’re a bad baby.” Nobody says, “Go to your
 room.” Everyone helps the baby learn to deal with the big feelings, and what
 that does is soften everybody to realize, “Wow, I am like the little baby,
 too. It’s not a moral flaw if I’m very emotionally reactive. It’s who I am.”
 And the job of teachers and parents and mentors is to help children recognize
 who they are, and help them to live in the world that is. It is not to squash
 them, but to help them understand their reactions. So, when we think about the
 traits and qualities we need in growing up, I think we really need a lot of
 self-love, giving us the capacity to love others.

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />
<h4 style="text-align: center">
 Interviewed by JUDITH NELSON 
 Illustrations by ARATI SHEDDE
</h4>

<hr />

Roots of empathy

<h4>This is the final part of MARY GORDON’s interview with JUDITH NELSON at the Spirit of Humanity Forum in Iceland in 2019. Mary speaks about the role of educators, and the emotional life of children. She provides an inspirational focus for educators regarding the educational priorities that are needed for a future humanity.</h4><hr>MG:&nbsp;In Roots of Empathy, we measure what we treasure, and we treasure children’s emotional lives. We don’t care what they know, we care what they feel: it’s important to let children tell you how they feel. The emotional life of the child is their real life, because in a baby’s brain emotions and cognition are inextricably linked; you can’t tease them apart. And, as children grow older, while the sections of the brain deal differently with emotion and cognition, there is a direct relationship between our emotions and what we pay attention to.We completely pay attention to our emotions. If you’ve got a negative emotion happening, you can’t learn. In order to learn, you have to make sure that your emotions are positive. That’s why we ask, “How are you feeling today?” We don’t try to change what they feel, but it is like embedded professional development for the classroom teacher when our person comes in and says, “Good morning kids.” This is for the pre- or post-family visit, not when the mommy and baby are there, when we’re asking, “How’s the baby feeling?”<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">Favorite teachers are not the best teachers,&nbsp; they’re the best “reachers.” They’re the people who get you, they’re the people who knew you were in their class even if you weren’t the smartest student. They appreciated you for who you were.</h5><hr>So, if the kids do this (thumbs up), the teacher can do a quick scan of the room and see that the kids are in good form. But if there are some who do this (thumbs neutral), you really have to consider what’s going on with them, as you can’t teach a child who’s in neutral. If there are a lot of them, you’ve got to pack up your lesson plan and start listening to the children: “So tell me, how was it today on your way to school? Would you like to share with someone how your day is going so far?” And, you know, if you ask authentically, children will tell you authentically.It changes teaching practice when teachers realize that a worried child can’t learn. When they’re sad, sick or lonely, they can’t learn anything. Children who are depressed are sad, sick and lonely. So, this idea of teaching people versus teaching mathematics is an important thing. And what is it to be a person? It is to feel. And if you’re not feeling, you don’t have to be deliriously happy, but you have to be present. There is an armada of broken hearts in every classroom – we know the statistics.Why don’t we realize that we have to start the day checking in with children? You can’t make everything better, but if you can acknowledge how they’re feeling, they already feel ‘felt.’ Favorite teachers are not the best teachers, they’re the best “reachers.” They’re the people who get you, they’re the people who knew you were in their class even if you weren’t the smartest student. They appreciated you for who you were.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/ROE_3_3_c032c3846d.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-17T07:51:01.186Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-3">Education has lost that because we’re into competition. It’s competition for jobs, no? Look at jobs – we’re going to do twenty jobs over a lifetime, so what job? The job is to be a good human being. Actually, it’s important to be happy, as the Dalai Lama would say. Now I’m not saying we should all pack our bags and go off to happy land, but to be a human being is to be able to connect with others. And this crisis of connection we’re in, if we don’t help children identify how they feel so that they can connect to one another, we’ve really missed the boat.I really advocate helping teachers take an approach to teaching that I call “attachment-aware teaching,” realizing that every child in your class has had some kind of secure or insecure attachment. If they have had a secure attachment, they’ll be ready to learn, they’ll be resilient, they’ll deal with the blows in life. If they’ve had ambivalent, avoidant, or other kinds of attachment relationships, they won’t have an innate capacity to deal with the tidal wave of troubles that might come to them.Teachers can have this in the back of their mind, to say to themselves, “Okay,” instead of, “What’s wrong with you?” Children communicate how they’re feeling with their behavior, so if the teacher can just think, “What’s happened to make you so nasty today? What’s happened so you make my life a misery? What’s happened so that you’re disrupting class?” because no child decides to be a “bad actor,” it’s just that they can’t deal with how they feel.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">I think the secret to ending all the “-isms” in the world, the secret to peaceful coexistence, is to be able to see the humanity in the other. And this Spirit of Humanity, this beautiful concept, is based on empathy.</h5><hr>If teachers had insight into the emotional vulnerability of children – just as through the baby and parent relationship we show how a baby becomes who they are – they would realize that it’s through love. Children are predisposed through particular ways of being, but without that reference back and forth to mommy or daddy, they don’t know how to respond. Every time a baby falls down or cries, the first thing they do is look for their mother to see, “How am I doing? Should I be crying, or should I go back and try and walk again?” That’s what a secure attachment relation is – checking in to see, “Am I good to go?”And if nobody gives you that, you never know. So, you have no anchor, you have no security blanket in your life, and the children who are in trouble are those children. The security blanket in life is the attachment relationship, and how many children have no relationship with their parents as they get older? It’s a tragedy.Q: What you describe sounds so much like respecting the individual students’ feelings and noticing them, instead of having education for the sake of the establishment.MG:&nbsp;Yes, and what are the ultimate goals of education? If it’s to produce architects, engineers, doctors etc., if they are without humanity they won’t do a good job. Is it to produce moral human beings who are ready to contribute to life, and who can be mutually respectful and have the capacity to care? The ethic of care is so overlooked.There are two parts to empathy: There’s cognitive empathy and affective empathy. Cognitive empathy is perspective-taking and that’s the first stage of any conflict resolution. If you don’t have that, forget it. Forget peace in the Middle East. But if you don’t have affective empathy, the human part which is our emotions, you don’t really have empathy at all. With cognitive empathy you can still be a sociopath, because you have a skill where you can resonate with the perspective of another person. But if you don’t have the ethic of care, it may be a destructive thing. So many people define empathy as just cognitive empathy, but our definition of empathy is both affective and cognitive together. Very often confused with compassion and sympathy, whereas sympathy is unidimensional, it’s the ability to feel sorry.There’s a lot of divergence of opinion around the relationship between compassion and empathy, and about the definitions of compassion and empathy, so everybody makes them up. I have shared mine, but I don’t think they are any better than others, and certainly there’s no one opinion on it. I do believe, however, that you must have empathy in order to act compassionately. And empathy to me is also a verb. Being an armchair empath is no good at all; there has to be a motor.The beautiful thing about children is that they’re endlessly empathic once they realize that skill of being able to understand how another person feels and to feel with them. It’s a lifelong gift, and it cannot be taught. Everybody thinks you can teach empathy, but you can’t teach empathy. It’s caught, not taught. If you are around people who demonstrate empathy without saying, “This is empathic behavior,” who are just empathic, or if you see examples of kindness in people you love, that’s how you will develop these positive things.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/ROE_3_4_92a21bce82.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-17T07:52:00.780Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-3">You know, there are so many ridiculous things people do, like having flash cards for empathy, or saying, “We’re going to talk about empathy this week.” It’s totally meaningless. It’s better than nothing, I suppose, but the big things in life are not developed through instruction. It’s done by construction – meaningful human construction – not instruction. In fact, there’s very little in life we learn through instruction. It’s only the higher-level things and, basically, those we could probably learn on our own. If you can’t be with someone and learn from someone, you can’t really be a constructive, contributing human being.So, I think our schools really need to shake themselves up and ask, “What are we doing here?” Imagine having the privilege of being with a child five or six hours a day, five days a week. It’s an incredible gift. That’s more than their parents have.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">The beautiful thing about children is that they’re endlessly empathic once they realize that skill of being able to understand how another person feels and to feel with them. It’s a lifelong gift, and it cannot be taught.</h5><hr>I used to be a teacher, and I think we’re highly accountable. It’s the reason why when teachers ask Roots of Empathy into their classroom, I say, “Okay, but we need to do research.” They say, “No, no, we know you’re grand,” but I say, “We need to do research.” Every single person involved with the program, every child who can write, does an evaluation, critiques the program every year; every child, every volunteer mother, every volunteer instructor, and the classroom teacher who hosts it. Then we do formal research, which is the white jacket, peer reviewed, scientific, independent, published research, which tells us if we’re doing what we think we’re doing. But I have to say, what I listen to the deepest is what the children tell us. That’s when I change.We’re always updating our curriculum. Take cyber bullying, for example; if we don’t have cyber bullying in our programs, we’re not addressing the current situation of children, because the landscape of childhood changes all the time. It’s not very good at the minute, but children don’t change; they’ve always been the same. They might sound more sophisticated because they use Elon Musk words like parking cars in space, and all that, but their emotional vulnerability, their essence, the beauty of childhood doesn’t change.Children are under more stress than ever before, and I don’t think we’re listening hard enough to what they are telling us through their behavior. The children who are on Ritalin, for having Attention Deficit Disorder, have been given a prescription so that the adults can keep sane, and it stunts and blunts the children’s growth. A lot of what we’re doing is medicating children instead of changing their environment, because resilience is not about what’s in you, it’s about what’s around you. You can bring it into you, but if it’s not around you how can you become resilient? You’re not born with it, you know.<hr><h5 style="text-align:center;">I think the trip from the mind to the heart is a short journey, and the fuller the heart the bigger the head.</h5><hr>In many places you’ll hear people say, “Oh, you’ve gotta have grit.” That’s the nastiest four-letter word I’ve ever heard. It’s blaming children for not having grit. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Change the record.” It’s like saying to an abused woman, “Why don’t you just leave? How stupid can you be? Just leave.” It’s not understanding where that person is coming from, not understanding the impact of abuse.And to say to a child who’s been brought up in adversity, who’s witnessed violence at home, “You just have to have grit,” is a denial of the fact that we all have different journeys. And we expect even results, even in kindergarten. Everybody is held to the same measure, but the measure is not the measure of personhood. The measure is something easy to measure, but it’s no measure of humanity, it’s no measure of kindness, it’s no measure of empathy or emotional depth. There’s only the measure of what we’re able to measure.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/ROE_3_5_3058587aec.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-17T07:52:42.174Z" alt="roots-of-empathy-part-3">Who cares if you know your colors, or your 123s, or your ABCs? What you really need when you start kindergarten is to be able to ask for help, to be able to make friends, to be able to learn; and the readiness to learn is grounded in being well-loved.So, what kind of world are we creating? We measure children up, and we put them in categories – “You’re in the Bluebird Group” – and everyone knows that’s the slow readers, right? So, we categorize children without ever really thinking, “Who are these little people?”I just can’t get over the gift that parents give. They deliver their baby, their miracle, and they keep hearing how bad they are at stuff, or how they were acting out, or “You’re not doing a good enough job at home,” all of these kinds of things that instead of building up the family just knock it down. So, I hope educators come to the Spirit of Humanity forum. I hope educators hear about your brand of humanity and realize that if we don’t recognize the humanity of every child in education, we’ve not done our job.Q: Why did you say that Heartfulness is a nice name?MG:&nbsp;I love the word “Heartfulness,” and to call an organization “Heartfulness” is to embody your values, because we’re not just our minds – our hearts inform our minds. And if we don’t have a full heart, we won’t have the full capacity to use our skills and our brains in a constructive way. I think the trip from the mind to the heart is a short journey, and the fuller the heart the bigger the head. So, I just feel it’s such a warm name.The first thing children draw when they learn to draw is hearts. They put hearts everywhere. It’s not just little girls. When they write little love notes – “Daddy I love you” – they draw a heart. Nobody tells them to do that. So, from the youngest age, children draw hearts because we all can relate, and the heart is not just a beating pump, the heart is our humanity, and that’s why I like your name.<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Interviewed by JUDITH NELSON</h4><hr>

Roots of empathy - part 3

Mary helps people create vital spaces full of light. She has worked with leaders in the U.S., the Middle East, and Ireland, and is a chartered architect with more than 25 years engagement experience, 20 years in private practice, and 15 years transformational leadership in architecture, regeneration, heritage, and peace and community building.

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Mary Kerrigan

<h2 style="text-align:center;">OVERCOMING LONELINESS</h2>&nbsp;<h4 style="text-align:justify;">MARY KERRIGAN is a Vital Space Maker. She creates vital spaces full of light, where everyone belongs. An architect-placemaker and conservation specialist, for more than 25 years she has been a leading advocate for cultural and spatial change, active in the most intractable circumstances, to powerful effect. Here, she shares some ideas on how to overcome loneliness.</h4>Courtney and I used to be next-door neighbors in our small adjoining cottages along the side of the country road. Until she and her boyfriend found a bigger apartment nearby.Surprised to see her behind the counter in the village convenience store, I’m curious to learn whether she’s still working in the call center up the road, as she was due to start there after she moved out. “Oh no. I gave up that job. I was fed up with working from home, sitting looking into a computer screen all day, seeing no one,” she says.It got me thinking. The pandemic forced thousands of us into remote working. &nbsp;And there were pluses, no doubt. Released from the grinding daily commute meant more time at home with friends and family, for those who had them.&nbsp;Now it’s a thing, full-time and hybrid. How many of us are spending endless days sitting in our kitchens or bedrooms looking into computer screens? Maybe never seeing a human being from one end of the day to the next – especially if we live alone.<figure class="image image-style-align-center"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/its_all_different_now2_3356ea0c5d.jpg"></figure>Maybe never seeing a human being from one end of the day to the next – especially if we live alone. For us introverts, it seems fantastic. No need to give out all our energy in noisy, crowded, open plan offices or turbo-charged conferences.&nbsp;“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” —Brené BrownWhile Teams, Google Meet, and Zoom were undoubted lifelines saving hundreds and thousands from the pain of a total solitary confinement lockdown reality, the truth is, existing primarily in a virtual world is no substitute for IRL, the real deal.A post-pandemic visit to a university friend in Greater London pops into my head. She’s been working for a local authority for years. Covid-19 lands and she’s working from home, five days a week.Things open up. For my friend, that means continuing to work from home four days a week and going into the office every Friday, taking her turn manning her team’s public-facing service. &nbsp;<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">How many of us are spending endless&nbsp; days sitting in our kitchens or bedrooms&nbsp; looking into computer screens?</h4><hr>Does her day in the office mean she gets to see the rest of her team? Not a bit. They’re either home working or hot-desking on separate floors.Visiting a year later, I’m surprised to learn she’s back working from home again, all five days.A painful knee injury, the result of a momentary biking mishap, and the consequent enforced leg rest means her beloved hiking and yoga are a no-no. She’s not even supposed to walk. Housebound even more.Her parents are, sadly, dead. &nbsp;Apart from an only sibling a good hour away, she has no extended family in the country. That’s a lot of “alone time.”&nbsp;Strikes me that this isn’t living. It’s existing. A lot of suffering. Pain.In 2016, a landmark report commissioned by the British Red Cross and The Co-op found that over 9 million people are affected by loneliness in the UK. That was before we endured the enforced isolation that came with the pandemic.Are you among them, even some of the time? If so, how does that impact you?“Over four decades of research has produced robust evidence that lacking social connection – and in particular, scoring high on measures of social isolation – is associated with a significantly increased risk for early death from all causes.” —2020 Consensus Study, National Academies of Science, Engineering, and Medicine U.S. Surgeon General’s ReportThe same document also advises us that the impact on our body of loneliness is greater than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day and obesity – factors that we know shorten lives. Then what are the mental and emotional costs of our loneliness epidemic?The evidence is that loneliness due to excessive and prolonged social isolation is affecting our physical, mental, and emotional health, and not in a good way. Without a drag on a cigarette, without drinking a drop, it’s killing us before our time – a very slow death.Of course, being “alone” is not the same as suffering the deep loneliness that comes when our day-to-day reality involves much more social isolation than we like or need. And gifting ourselves regular periods of self-chosen solitude is a great way to restore and replenish our heart and soul. Sometimes, though, we can have too much of a good thing. “Everything in moderation.”<figure class="image image-style-align-center"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/its_all_different_now3_0dbf72d4a0.jpg"></figure><hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Gifting ourselves regular periods of self-chosen&nbsp; solitude is a great way to restore and&nbsp; replenish our heart and soul.</h4><hr>Loneliness is part of the human condition. Like sadness, grief, joy, anger, happiness, contentment. We all experience it at some point in our lives. And, yes, we can even be lonely in a crowd.The chronic deep loneliness that causes the suffering Brené Brown talks about is something else. Less obvious than anger or happiness, it may be subtle, a kind of longing. While it might cause sadness, it’s different. Something’s missing. It may be hard to put your finger on it. You feel disconnected. It’s like when the cold seeps into your bones. You barely notice it until you are completely frozen.Over the past 100 years, especially in the Western world, we’ve created physical environments that disconnect us from people.Does the place where you live or work help or hinder you in connecting with the people around you?How well do you know your colleagues and neighbors? Well enough to call in for a coffee and a pick me up chat if you’re having an off day? &nbsp;Or drop in with a bowl of soup when a neighbor who lives alone is unwell?How walkable is your neighborhood, city center, and workplace?What’s your preferred way of traveling to and from home? &nbsp;Is your only choice to get from A to B by private car? &nbsp;If so, then it’s likely you aren’t getting many chance chats with near neighbors or colleagues.Lucky you, if you’re surrounded by close friends and family. Even so, half the time, half the people may be endlessly scrolling on their phones.Whatever the cause, or causes, of our isolation and the loneliness that may flow from it, take heart. &nbsp;It’s possible to do something about it, even when that seems impossible.“Every time I enter a room, I enter alone.&nbsp; And, it becomes my job as a human being to get Connected.” —Peter BlockWhile we are all capable of connecting meaningfully, it does not happen automatically. We need to take action and create it, together. Generating an intention to be connected is critical. Then, are we up for revealing what really matters to us, sharing our vulnerabilities?Vitally, becoming deeply curious about others, paying attention to them, is the key that unlocks the door to connection. Asking questions framed to discover who another person really is, and listening to their answers without interrupting or giving advice, helps us become connected very quickly.When we are genuinely interested in others and make the time, real connection emerges naturally.Covid-19 has cast a very long shadow on our mental health and emotional well-being. Creating vital spaces where everyone belongs, connecting people and places, helps shorten that shadow.<figure class="image image-style-align-center"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/its_all_different_now4_b86424479c.jpg"></figure><hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">When we are genuinely interested in others and&nbsp; make the time, real connection emerges naturally.</h4><hr>&nbsp;

It’s all different now

Mary Ng’ang’a

<h4>
 MARY NG’ANG’A
 is a psychologist and Heartfulness practitioner from Kenya. She shares her
 ideas on the importance of being natural and authentic to finding happiness.
 
</h4>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 To me, happiness is when I am in a state of “let go.” When I am easy and
 mostly blissful. Happiness is not the same as contentment based on
 achievement, but it is the same as contentment perceived as acceptance of what
 is in the “now” moment. For instance, when working from home, I may
 spontaneously start dancing to music. I feel happy, totally happy at that
 moment. When I have many uncompleted tasks, some of which may be behind
 schedule, I don’t feel content with myself, but if I perceive this dance break
 to be the “now” moment and all that there is, then I am grateful for the
 chance to dance. I am contented with how life is happening at this moment.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />

<h4 class="has-text-align-center">
 Happiness is when I am in a state of “let go.”
 When I am easy and mostly blissful.
 
</h4>

<hr />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 There are different ways I experience happiness in my life, even though I
 don’t plan for them all. The most beautiful moments are spontaneous, totally
 unexpected. When I want to be happy, I dance or listen to music. I dance to
 move the energy within, not really to be great at technique. I also go outside
 to ground myself with my cats – I remove my socks and shoes and step onto the
 soil and grass with the cats. I really love it. The feeling of the sun on my
 skin, the endless skies, the trees … I love the trees and the greenery, the
 blue mountains. These days I wonder why I was not so outdoor-oriented before.
 I never want to go back inside. Life almost doesn’t allow me enough time out
 there. I purposely moved from an urban area to a less developed areas for
 this.&nbsp;



 Meditation creates a foundation for my happiness. I’d call it bliss. It’s
 indescribable. I am so glad I know that. It’s the first most essential thing I
 do every morning, besides taking water. It positions me differently. It gives
 me the chance to be myself throughout the day; not the ego-self that creates
 or responds to problems in a complex manner, but the me that is core to who we
 all are. Hence, I feel lighter throughout the day, in remembrance of who I
 really am.



 During the pandemic, I’ve had a lot of alone time to witness the patterns
 within me that obscure happiness. I’ve also had the chance to see how I like
 to be happy on my own. I’d say the pandemic has enabled me to understand my
 experience of happiness and allowed me room to transform my perspective of
 what happiness is. Since it has allowed me more time working from home, it has
 given me room to research spirituality, which in turn has transformed my
 understanding of what obscures happiness in me. That has equipped me with
 insights on how I can provide more room for happiness in my life.



 Fear overshadows my joy. The easiest way for me to recover is through dance.
 But the most effective way is to watch the anxiety within. One of the things
 I’ve learned is that fear comes from the ego, and the ego cannot stand
 watchfulness. So, I stop focusing on anything else, and just watch the anxiety
 in my body, the sensation, the agony of it. As I watch, it fluctuates, then
 dissipates and loses energy.&nbsp; It takes practice and a great deal of
 acceptance, but it works. It’s not the easiest way, it’s the most courageous
 way. And it’s worth it, because then I “burn” the fear instead of coating it
 with momentary happiness.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<div class="block-image">
 <figure>
 <img decoding="async" width="700" height="700" alt="" class="lazyload has-img-center"
 src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/a_h_700x700_90e0361645.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-10T09:37:56.536Z" />
 </figure>
</div>

<hr class="vertical-space1" />


 I think more freedom would make the world a better place – freedom to be who
 we really are. I say so because that is the foundation for self-awareness, and
 self-aware people can uncover the falsehood of the ego, creating longer
 periods of happiness and living life more blissfully. I think society should
 work toward making this possible. Changing education systems to favor
 authentic expression rather than accumulating external knowledge would be a
 good start for many. Parents can do the same, raising children in a way that
 fosters authentic self-discovery and provides room for expressing the same.



 Finally, not to sound clichéd, meditation plays a great role toward authentic
 self-discovery, because meditation allows us room to be with ourselves, not
 the mind self, but the egoless self, the true self. Meditation gives us the
 experience of truth, fearlessness, and trust, allowing us to fearlessly
 create. Through creation we become authentic, which keeps us happy because
 happiness is our natural state.


<hr class="vertical-space1" />

<hr />

<h4 class="has-text-align-center">
 Meditation gives us the experience of truth,
 fearlessness, and trust,
 allowing us to fearlessly create. Through creation we become
 authentic, which keeps us happy because happiness is our natural
 state.
</h4>

<hr />

<hr class="vertical-space1" />

Authenticity and happiness

mary-oliver.webp

Mary Oliver

What do you plan to do?

Attention Is Devotion

Mary Parker Follett

Unity through variety

Matshona is a Canadianbased philosopher, entrepreneur, and author of books such as The Little Book of Inspiration, Creativity, The Book, 50 Lessons Every Wise Mother Teaches Her Son, 100 Lessons Every Great Man Wants You to Know, and Lalibela’s Wise Man.

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Matshona Dhliwayo

<h4>MATSHONA DHLIWAYO shares his journey of discovery about the secrets of happiness, and some wisdom on how we can all lead happier lives.</h4>When I was young, I admired old people. Now that I’m old, I admire wise people. When I was a youth, I admired strong people. Now that I’m old, I admire meek people. When I was an adult, I admired wealthy people. Now that I’m old, I admire happy people.Since the beginning of time, we humans have been pursuing singular goals, and from the executive on Wall Street to the sheepherder on the rural plains of Kenya, to the stay-at-home mother in China, we have been driven by the ceaseless desire to be happy.What we eat, wear and do are expressions of our pursuit of happiness. So are the books we buy, the shows we watch, and the relationships we pursue. But if humanity has searched for it since the beginning, how come happiness is still elusive? After all, we have gone to the moon, cured fatal diseases, and made countless discoveries in every field you can think of. Knowledge undeniably has increased, but happiness has not.&nbsp;<h5 style="text-align:center;">I came to the conclusion that, as humans being composed of mind, body, and soul, we must nurture all three to achieve our highest happiness.</h5>&nbsp;<hr>This inspired my long, uncertain journey to find out the secrets to happiness. Day after day, month after month, I sat before scientists, saints and sages – intellectual and spiritual heavyweights, ancient and contemporary. Scientists said pleasure was the key, sages said relationships, saints said work and a few said self-denial. While I found truth in many of their points, after much contemplation I remembered the story of King Solomon, who according to the Bible was the wisest and richest man in history. He had all of the above, but he despaired in the end: “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” His pursuit of happiness ended miserably, as he was focused on his mind and body but at times forgot to nurture his soul. I came to the conclusion that, as humans being composed of mind, body, and soul, we must nurture all three to achieve our highest happiness.<img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/Mind_body_soul_cffddca5eb.jpg"> <img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/10insights_7c6c5a44a9.jpg?updated_at=2023-04-03T06:09:31.255Z">&nbsp;&nbsp;<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">Article by MATSHONA DHLIWAYO</h4>&nbsp;<hr>

Happiness

Matthew Edward Hall

Breath of the Earth

Maureen Hitipeuw is a community builder, speaker, and advocate for women's empowerment. She is the founder of Single Moms Indonesia, a national community providing support, training, and advocacy for single mothers. As one of Indonesia's first Meta Certified Community Managers, Maureen was selected as Her World Indonesia Woman of the Year in 2024 and has represented Indonesia at global leadership platforms including the Vital Voices Visionaries Summit.&nbsp;

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Maureen Hitipeuw

<h4>MAUREEN HITIPEUW reflects on founding Single Moms Indonesia and learning that devotion isn't an emotion but a daily choice to show up for others.</h4>I never planned for this path. There was no grand vision—just a single, painful moment when I looked for a support group for single mothers in Indonesia, and found nothing. That absence stayed with me. When I eventually met a few other single mothers, I realized that maybe I could create what I once needed.I started a Facebook group (now Meta). At first, it was just two friends. We had no agenda or roadmap, but only a willingness to act—along with a kind of devotion I didn’t have a name for yet.That simple action was the beginning. Today, it has grown into a community of over 11,600 women, known as “Single Moms Indonesia.” But back then, it was just a longing to connect, giving birth to a gesture of service.This journey has asked a lot of me: To show up, listen, and grow consistently. There were no templates for what we were building. I learned on my feet. I fumbled and questioned myself. But every time I felt small or unsure, life would offer a gentle nudge forward, a message that this work mattered and was necessary. I began to understand this as karma—doing what must be done, without clinging to results.Along the way, I’ve stumbled into spaces that shaped me further. In 2020, I joined a global community leadership program offered by Meta. I didn’t see myself as a “leader,” but the training, <a href="https://heartfulness.org/magazine/yoga-for-reconciliation" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">mentorship</a>, and support helped me realize that community building was an opportunity to serve.Of course, action without reflection can lead us astray. So reflection has been essential—a constant teacher. I’ve blogged through grief, processed pain in paragraphs, and shared pieces of my story before feeling ready to do so. Through that act of writing, I began to understand myself and others more meaningfully. I didn’t set out to become wiser, but over time, living through questions such as, “Who am I now?” and “What can I give?” has offered unexpected answers.To me, devotion is love expressed through commitment and service—a choice we return to daily. I’ve come to believe that devotion is action. It’s showing up, even when it’s hard. It’s answering messages at midnight. It’s holding space, even when you feel empty yourself.The women in my community have become my greatest teachers. I’ve watched them rise from ashes, whisper their way through darkness, and show up repeatedly for their children and themselves. These women have taught me that healing, forgiveness, and beginning again are the greatest strengths. That sacred love, expressed through motherhood and selfhood, perfectly illustrates that devotion is action.There was one specific moment when I realized that my purpose was to serve. A recently divorced mother posted in our group. She was on the verge of suicide. The community wrapped around her, holding her virtually. And she lived. Today, she’s thriving and finishing her master’s degree. That, to me, is grace. That is why I keep showing up.&nbsp;I recognize that this journey is not mine alone. I call it grace or <a href="https://heartfulness.org/magazine/guidance-from-the-future" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">guidance</a> (call it by any name), but it’s about being faithful to what’s in front of you. To anyone standing at a turning point—lost, grieving, or uncertain—this is what I know: You don’t need to have the whole map. Just take the next small step. That small act itself will guide you, and over time, you’ll find that even your deepest pain might become the soil for something sacred.“Devotion is action” begins each day with the decision to show up, heart open and hands steady, for whoever needs that space.&nbsp;<hr><h4 style="text-align:center;">To me, devotion is love expressed&nbsp; through commitment and service— a choice we return to daily.&nbsp; I’ve come to believe that devotion is action.&nbsp;</h4><hr>&nbsp;<figure class="image image_resized" style="width:50%;"><img src="https://cdn-prod-static.heartfulness.org/devotion_action2_396ed3371a.webp" alt="devotion-action2.webp"></figure>&nbsp;

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